Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he was CRYING into my vagina
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I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
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I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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