I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
