Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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