I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
