i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
