He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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