God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
