alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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