Only a mothe r could love this liver
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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