toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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