I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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