Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
