I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
