Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
