Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Randomize
