I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
