dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
