I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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