are you still at the devil's house?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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