just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize