I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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