If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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