You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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