I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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