You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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