things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Of course I have a pirate flag
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
