My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
