Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
