I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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