I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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