when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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