I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
