I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
