She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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