Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
