i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
its liver damage thursday
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
