I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
