my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
