He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
