K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
