a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
