I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
