first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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