is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
