apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
