mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
