Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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