Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Farmville is her only friend.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
