I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
