I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
