glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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