Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
