I am spending my child support on dildos
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
