Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
