The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
